Remember back in the day when Bo Jackson was tearin’ shit up? He ran his ass off for the Raiders and smacked the shit out of the ball in KC, despite the fact his average was always in the shitter. Before he got tackled, landed all weird,fucked up his hip and got some crazy shit called avascular necrosis. This resulted in a new hip for Bo, giving him something in common with my father. Anyway, I digress. Bo had those killer “Bo Knows” commercials where he played every sport known to man and everyone was on his jock lettin’ you know that Bo, does in fact, know. And I knew. I knew that Bo was a fucking genius. The man could rock physics, football, baseball, whatever. Bo was simply the man.
Fast forward to 2007 and you have Budweiser trying to make Jay-Z the Bo Jackson of the 21st Century. I don’t believe you, you need more people. Jay-Z knows rapping, obviously. I will even concede that he knows how to run a label, despite the opinion of LL and some other unsatisfied artists. Redman, where you at? Budweiser’s Super Bowl commercial wants to make me believe that he also knows an imaginary fucking football game that uses holograms! Holograms, I tell you. Who is he coaching against in this futuristic game that doesn’t exist? Don Shula. If I could pick somebody to go up against Don Shula, I don’t believe it would be Jay-Z.
I know that Jay-Z does like to fashion himself as someone whose knowledge stretches out beyond just rap and business. I remember when MTV had that reality episode on him where he did the Tae Bo and was chillin’ with the tall Israeli. Some cheesy ass pop song was playing on the radio and Jay began to sing along word for word. For some reason he believed this qualified him as a renaissance man, not realizing it simply made him a rapper with really bad taste when it comes to other genres of music. Don’t take Jay-Z record shopping with you if you plan on venturing outside of the hip-hop section, I’m telling you.
Next thing you know, they will be having commercials where Jay-Z is a fucking surgeon in some hospital where you have floating scalpels and the doctors have x ray vision. He will most likely be operating on Method Man, trying to bring his skills back from the dead. If the future is going to have football games with holograms, it better have a Method Man that can rap as good as the one on 36 Chambers and Tical, not the Right Guard era Meth.
Budweiser, please have Jay stick to his bread and butter in your commercials. This means rhyming. I don’t want to see him attempting to outperform Tiger, Lance Armstrong, Venus, Serena, Sidney Crosby, Bill Gates, Tony Larussa, or Dave Chapelle. Not that I will be buying your beer, anyway.