Are there some dope female rappers out? None that I am really interested in laying down my hard earned cash for. Sure there are a variety of dope tracks here and there from females, but not many dope albums. Last year, Ego Trip showed us the dark underbelly of the white rap community. This year they go for another niche market- the female rapper.
The legendary Bert Sugar once wrote an article entitled, I’d Rather Poke My Eye Out With A Sharp Stick Than Watch Woman’s Boxing. This is my attitude when it comes to female rappers. They are like a circus act for the most part. Going into this season of Miss Rap Supreme, at least I know what to expect. An entertaining reality show. Last year MC Serch forgot the fact that he was on a reality show that accentuated the absurd and began to act like he was on a mission from God to save hip-hop. Hopefully this year he wises up. That blue ass tux makes me think so.
Now on to the first episode…
The first segment was the pageant format. Yo-Yo looked good and everything, but I think she is a downgrade from Prince Paul. In the history of female rappers, she is def a fav, but I have a feeling her feedback is going to be lacking. The first task was to narrow the cast down from 25 to ten. Most of the women opened up with ra ra ra, violent lyrics. A theme that will carry on throughout the episode.
Miss CKC, who is wack, gets dissed for actually showing personality. We learn that Chiba went through a car windshield and is now damaged goods like Tom Cruise in Vanilla Sky. Instead of wearing that cool mask like Cruise she just combs her hair in front of her eye. Bree is obviously a west coast version of G Child, while Twist displayed some personality. She embraces her chubbiness. Unfortunately, the Fat Boys spiel won’t work in the 21st century. Serch recognized that Byata is Russian. Does this mean she has fetal alcohol syndrome? DAB tells a sob story. Enough with the PSA’s, please. Serch politely asked Khia what it feels like to go from 800k to nothing. He was curious what 800k feels like.
Next up the ladies entered their dwelling which contained various themes. You have the Eve room, the Lil Kim room and the Foxy Brown room, which actually has a bread and water diet. All that was missing is some fake nails and a hearing aid. Cut to the shot of liquor. Ego Trip knows what is up.
Women+alcohol+cameras=reality TV wonders. They are going to fuck and fight! Within 30 seconds the ladies were playing truth and dare. Batya is obviously all about the ladies, and kissed everybody in sight with no hesitation. Khia is going on about having a track record because she has been rapping for 10 years and has one hit. Nikki2States actually has 4 kids! She then goes all crazy on DAB because she was a crack whore. Now, that is life experience!
After the kissing came the conflict. Khia is beefing because she is being called a one hit wonder. For all these violent lyrics, there is not much violence. Just a bunch of pushing and yelling. Ms. Cherry says to check her record. Bitch, you better check Khia’s record. She has been arrested 50 fucking times.
After that they split the groups into two teams with Nikki and Ms Cherry being the captains. The white girls got picked last. Shocker. They were then sent out to rhyme for the ladies in the community. This kind of mission supposedly has a name- a dummy mission! Oh, more silly challenges! Khia’s team goes crazy because they kicked what they believe is the Holy Grail of hooks, but is in fact, simply a wack hook. They are now… rapping… at… a salon. How can you possibly have any sort of career after rapping at a salon for some middle age women? D.A.B. starts rapping about being a junkie. Please stop with the descriptive heroin rap! I can’t take it anymore.
Team Nicky got sent to a sorority house. Talk about being set up for failure. The German’s idea of a diss is stating that you look like a llama. She disproves Hitler’s master race beliefs simply by opening her mouth. Next they have to rap for some nuns. Byata explained that she can’t help that she sounds black, Khia rapped for her mom and started bawling.
The ballots pointed to Ms. Cherry’s team being the winner of the challenge. I honestly could not tell the fucking difference. The degree of wackness was apparently not as intense. Chiba gets the immunity crown for saying “use your third eye.” Someone has been listening to their LONS record. She gets escorted to the Salt N Pepa room as a reward.
Just after the celebration starts, the fighting begins again. D.A.B. walks out with a smile and the losing team goes bonkers. More pushing until D.A.B. and Nikki decided to battle. Nikki is the first person in the history of rap to use the word menstruation and mispronounce it. Someone said something about their prohibitions being lowered. These women are obviously mildly retarded. She continues to attack D.A.B. for having used crack. D.A.B. is wack and actually dropped a better battle verse. Nikki needs to realize that she already has 4 kids and most likely one will use crack in their lifetime based on her appearance and “life experience.”
The ladies were called into another room and stumbled upon a mirror. The mirror had Yo Yo with a turban on! Why is Yo Yo looking like something out of Pee Wee’s playhouse? Nikki is so perplexed by the talking mirror I was worried steam may come out her ears. The losing team was led into the elimination room and had to kick a 16 bar verse about all women on the face of the earth being one. Something like that. Byata led off with an average verse. Nikki rapped another verse about life experience. Rece outdelivered the others but avoided eye contact. Supposedly 1 in 150 people are autistic. Hmmm. Lionezz can’t rap and forgets her rhymes before she starts talking bout ripping weaves out of people’s heads. Khia drops a nursery rhyme about respect where she chants the same thing over and over.
At the end of the episode Lionezz is kicked off the show. Khia=ratings, yo. This is only going to get better. Fo sho.