Just A Friendly Game Of Baseball

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As the years go by I realize that for a Pittsburgh resident, baseball and hip-hop have a lot in common. Things have never been the same since that night I was a 13 year old kid with two World Series tickets waiting for the Pirates to defeat the Braves and do what they were unable to do the previous two years. Francisco Cabrera’s clutch hitting and Barry Bond’s futile attempt to throw out the slowest white man alive destroyed my hopes of witnessing a World Series appearance by the Bucs. They have not had a winning season since. The streak will soon extend to 15 years, and has no signs of ending in the near future.

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The losing is bad enough, but what hurts the most is the lack of personality. We are talking about the blandest of the bland. Jason Bay may be able to hit 30 home runs but he is about exciting as watching paint dry the majority of modern hip-hop. Is it just me or has hip-hop also been in a constant rebuilding state for the last ten years? Or am I confusing rebuilding with decay?  I keep hearing the same thing when it comes to the Bucs- “we have some great depth in the minor league system that we feel will establish themselves at the major league level and contribute in a big way.” Then they never pan out. Just like all these cats I hear are the next best MC and the dopest to do it since ________ . It turns out they were just great pretenders.

Back in the day we used to have cats that looked strange, played well and had mad personality.

Exhibit A: Zane Smith (before the Pirates days- later on he learned to keep his mouth closed during pic time)
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Exhibit B: Bob Walk
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The Pirates are currently the laughing stock of the MLB and have no chance in hell to contend. If there was another sequel for Major League, it would not be set in Cleveland, it would be set in Pittsburgh. Here are some ideas for Major League 4.

Since Rajai Davis is one of the two black players on the team (this seems to be widespread) he would be pegged to play a character a la Willie May Hayes. The Pirates main leadoff hitter is a semi fast white boy, Chris Duffy, who doesn’t really steal bases because he has a problem reaching first.

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Masumi Kuwata would take over the role of Pedro Cerrano and instead of doing voodoo would be the wild and wacky Samurai. He would keep sushi and swords in his locker. Hilarity ensues.

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Seeing that the Pirates have no real old school vets, they would have a hard time finding a player on the team to fill the roles of catcher Jake Taylor and thirdbaseman Roger Dorn. Jack Wilson and Jason Bay are the two players who have been with the Pirates for the longest period of time and have endured years of losing. Perhaps Matt Capps would play Rick Vaughn.  If the Pirates are going to continue to lose they need to simply fill their rosters with likeable losers- guys you want to watch despite the fact they are awful. I am talking guys with buck teeth, mullets, obesity, criminal charges pending, all that.  Hell, fuck a movie, let’s make a reality series.

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