The White Rapper Show Season Finale is almost upon us. My money is on Shamrock….
The White Rapper Show Season Finale (click the links below to listen to Shamrock & John Brown’s theme songs)
Well, I was right. Shamrock took the title. Let me rewind a bit.
Shamrock and John Brown began the episode discussing who they are missing. JB missed nobody because he is just that cold and Sham stated that Sullee was like his little brother. Uhhh, ok. The two then moved on to the topic of Jus Rhyme. The verdict- Jus Rhyme is wack. No shit, Sherlock.
John Brown gave some good one liners throughout the episode, but it is fairly obvious that Ego Trip had a hard time filling an hour with the material at hand. The crew got haircuts and discussed how they were feeling with a barber. Why do I want to watch this again? Boring. JB stated that Shamrock was a glossy eyed MC and was going to get raped by the industry. I have yet to hear any actual discussion by John Brown about how he is prepared to handle the music industry and avoid being raped.
Serch then introduced Tango & Cash to Fat Joe. While looking at the screen I noticed that Fat Joe and MC Serch were about the same size. New super duo? Slow metabolism is a motherfucker,yo. Somebody hook these guys up before they die of a heart attack. RIP, Pun. Fat Joe explained to the glossy eyed MC’s what MC meant and gave them some motivation for their next obstacle- Rucker.
As the group approached Rucker park for a halftime performance I kept looking to see if I could catch Jim Jones getting his ass kicked or Cam running away, but no dice. A whole bunch of shit went wrong for Shamrock- his mic died and his grill fell out. Talk about some busted shit. John Brown shook like a fucking leaf and could have possibly defecated on himself. Hallelujah, holla back. I swore that I saw Treach in a wig up in the stands doing that move from Naughty By Nature’s old videos. You know, that shit where he swung his arms up and down like a robot. Anyway, JB & Sham didn’t totally bomb and the crowd obviously was the kind who thought Norbit should have won Best Picture.
After they returned to The White House, Serch brought out a friend of John Brown and a friend of Shamrock. It seems that VH1 wanted to bring a bunch more, but apparently these guys only have one friend. As soon as John Brown’s friend walked in the door his jaw dropped. Can you say Amaechi? This guy’s name was Blaise Delacroix III and if Tim Hardaway was in the building his life would have been over. Who knew there were so many flamboyant homosexuals in the burbs? JB basically dogged his
friend gay lover and didn’t even properly introduce him to Serch. Funnnnny. Blaise told Serch he was a member of teh San Francisco Gay Crips. They don’t do drive-by shootings, they do walk-by fruitings. Hallelujah, holla back. Shamrock hugged his big, black friend and they made smiley faces together. Thank goodness they spared us the oil rubdown.
The guys had to say goodbye to their friends and commence work on their next challenge. Their objective was to write a 16 and a full song. As soon as John Brown opened his mouth, I knew for sure that Shamrock was the winner. John Brown’s song was called “Car Wars.” What the fuck? Is this some Transformers suburbs shit? You got the touch! You got the power! I know they are more than meets the eye, but damn JB.
“Shamrock would never make a song like ‘Car Wars.’ He doesn’t think like that,” John Brown proclaimed.
John Brown was right. Shamrock decided against making “Big Wheel Wars,” and instead chose to create “Fly Away.” He explained that the haters needed to fly away and he was inspired by his trip to Detroit where he froze like Bobby Drake and choked like Scott Norwood. Problem is, I have already heard the song “Fly Away” once on Goodie Mob’s second album, Still Standing. A group from the same town as Shamrock! Quite a coincidence that Shamrock had the same concept for his song. Biter? Hmmmmm.
The group made their way to the final showdown and we got a glimpse of Ego Trip’s concept for the last battle… Hell. Who was rhyming? RA The Rugged Man! I was hoping he would bust out his verse from “Uncommon Valor” and the show would end. Oh well. Serch came out looking like he forgot to bring his prom date and informed the crowd that these white rappers went through hell. The White Rapper Show wasn’t Dante’s Inferno, Serch. I hate to be the one to tell you that. I think The King Of The Burbz would prob fall under the fourth circle of Hell.
After they revealed the crowd I was left scratching my head several times. Where the fuck did they get these people? These are hip-hop fans? Some of the blacks in the audience (there weren’t many) looked like they bought tickets for a Fishbone concert and got lost. The judges were Dante Ross, Clinton Sparks, and Prince Paul. It would have been nice to see a larger circle of judges, although it truly means nothing cause Serch and company made the decisions they wanted throughout the season and never really took the guests’ opinions into consideration.
John Brown kicked his little 16 and swayed back and forth. I swear I heard Bic Runga in the background, but I was just having flashbacks to walking through the mall the other day. What was JB saying? Who knows. Was it anything important? No, not really. Sham then launched into his 16 and had much more energy and charisma than JB. Even if you don’t like his style or flow, it only takes about 3 seconds to determine who the better performer is.
Brown then let loose his modern day epic, “Car Wars,” a gritty and honest diatribe that deals with the exploitation that is needed to fuel the SUVs of the suburbs. What? Are you serious? The hook was lame as hell and I actually felt parts of my body tighten and twitch during his performance. Not in a good way either. How can you be so stupid and spout off meaningless catch phrases and then try to drop something that means something in the final battle? Dummy.
Shamrock then kicked the Goodie Mob
homage ripoff “Fly Away.” It was evident who the judges preferrred right off the bat. Prince Paul seemed to have a soft spot for Shamrock and recognized that amongst all the flunkies he could actually turn into something. Despite the lack of original content, Shamrock delivered it in a way that connected with the crowd. During the deliberations, Prince Paul made a comment about hearing the song before,etc. It seems his memory isn’t as good as mine or else I may be writing about John Brown being the winner. If Shamrock did a song called “Lean Back,” which also bit the hook to “Lean Back” it would have instantly been caught by the judges. Good thing for Sham that NYC hates on the south.
After a few tense moments, Serch handed the trophy to the champion- Shamrock. Sham talked about how he was going to give the majority of his money away and that the music thing would fall into place. Praise the lawd! Hallelujah, holla back!