The White Rapper Show Episode 6
Persia gets heatstroke
The Revenge of John Brown
Who would have guessed that Persia was out of shape? Based on the previews of episode six of the White Rapper Show, I already believed the queen of sleep apnea and artery blockage, Ms. Persia, would be going home to Far Rock. I was right.
The beginning of the episode found the group discussing Sullee and his holier than thou departure from the show. Persia took some more shots at John Brown while Jus Rhyme made some scary fucking googly eyes. Something about him freaks me out, not to mention that he is always talking about working with youth, which freaks me out even more. Hmmmm.
The group wound up in the studio of the racist, three chin having Miss Jones. You could basically tell that right off the bat the group was going to catch hell. The group was asked to freestyle about various items in the studio because according to Miss Jones, that is what real MC’s do. She neglected to mention that
nobody wants to hear a rhyme about lip gloss, a pencil, and a cellphone. Set those poor whiteys up for failure. Shamrock makes the ultimate faux paux and refers to the station as 107. Funnayyyyy. Miss Jones looked like she was about to lose her damn mind and informed Jus Rhyme she was thankful she didn’t have to pay for his verse. Also, someone needs to buy Miss Jones a handkerchief like JT to cover up the hideous jowls.
Miss Jones informed the group that all good MC’s have beef, which is hilarious because a. it is coming from a washed up R&B singer and b. it isn’t true. John Brown continued his string of one liners and stated something about having beef like Clear Channel, which set Miss Jones into a frenzy like Persia at Thanksgiving. John Brown got his ass kicked out which caused Persia to begin praying, and mumble something about being “dipped in shit.” Not sure if she was referring to John Brown or what she had for dinner the night before. The two go back and forth, with Persia knocking his entity status and John Brown bringing up her memory lapses at elimination time. Planting the seed, planting the seed.
While John Brown informed everyone that he loves to bask in the hate, Jus Rhyme stayed neutral like Switzerland. Until he got back to the house that is. Who knew Jus Rhyme was devious? He took the fucking moose head that was on the wall and threw it in John Brown’s bed, who immediately suspected Persia of leaving the left overs from her lunch in his sheets. John Brown could possibly be starring as Columbo if the series ever gets revived. He already bears a strong resemblance to Peter Falk.
Next up was the death of Persia. Whoops, I mean they had a challenge that involved exercise. One thing that sucked about Big Pun is that despite his great lyricism he had no breath control. His wheezing and gasping made you worry he was about to cough up his lung(s) at your feet at any moment. The problem with Persia is that not only does she have no endurance or breath control, she isn’t even a great lyricist. All that she has talked about in six episodes of The White Rapper Show is
a. she will eat your food
b. she spits like a dude
c. she is the baddest chick
Ok, I get it. You are essentially a man with breasts. And nobody wants to touch these breasts, which basically makes you a man. Word. The group met up with Saigon who stated that he is a true thug, but that thuggin’ should not be glorified. After his little PSA, Ego Trip cut to a challenge that made light of various thug activities. The group went through an obstacle course, which included a piece about knocking a rat pinata. Persia stated she would smash the rat like John Brown. The King Of The Burbs basked in the hate and slowly pulled out his Persia voodoo doll and fed it veggies. Apparently, vegetables set off an allergic reaction with her.
After two minutes of the challenge, Persia began to cough, wheeze, and sweat out something that supposedly does not come out of humans’ pores. Jus Rhyme crushes the challenge and takes a tumble off his bike at the end to the amusement of MC Serch and Saigon. Meanwhile, Persia got to the Pinata, grabbed the two dollars in dimes she was supposed to buy bolt cutters with and instead got pork rinds. After crossing the finish line in six minutes, Persia doused herself with water and I vomited. Six minutes! Six minutes of exercise made this girl collapse on a bathroom floor and hauled off in an ambulance.
Just as you saw the stretcher, you saw the worried facial expressions of her peers. Enter John Brown with the killer one liner as he looked at Persia with her oxygen mask- “That’s not a good look.” God bless your heart, John Brown. And your ghetto revival, too. You know you were laughing inside.
The winner of the competition, Jus Rhyme, got to spend an evening with Nore, who looked like he was in a constant state of befuddlement. Jus Rhyme was allowed to bring along one friend, and chose John Brown. Nore listened to their pitches and got the fuck out of dodge. Jus Rhyme was literally cut off mid sentence. It seems as if most of Ego Trip’s plans for the show were poorly mapped out as there are various segments that end up going nowhere. We know that the white rappers are awful, but the guests on the show have little to no interaction with them. Bring back Lord Jamar!
The elimination challenge involved thugging out old school nursery rhymes. Shamrock did very well with his Mother Hubbard verse, John Brown handled Humpty Dumpty, Jus Rhyme came off so cheesy it made me actually feel sorry for him, and Persia once again forgot her lines. Again. John Brown is the shit talking Nostradamus. Despite Serch actually giving her a chance to step back up and kick her rhyme (this is how bad Serch dislikes Jus Rhyme) Persia declined. She explained that she went blank and it wasn’t coming back. Shit is like Awakenings, B.
Persia was booted off, erupted in tears and promptly ordered an audio cassette on how to improve your memory.
So the final three left are
At this point, the money has to go on Shamrock. Jus Rhyme is corny as hell and almost lost to Persia despite the fact she forgot her lines. John Brown looks like he is lost at times, and I can’t picture a season two if someone of his caliber takes the crown. Shamrock is like a horror film that gets three stars from Roger Ebert. Sure, it may not be amazing when you compare it to a great drama, but it does the job. You can’t put a Will Ferrell comedy up against a Martin Scorsese film. Despite the fact one will get more critical recognition and awards, both are entertaining in their own way. Hell, I enjoyed Talledega Nights more than The Aviator. Shamrock is not a great MC, but he fills his niche quite nicely and displays more talent than anyone else on the show. Hopefully he gets the 100,000 and is never heard from again.
Top Three Funniest Moments In Episode Six
1. Persia falling out after six minutes of exercise. How does one get dehydrated in six minutes, most of which involved walking? Not a good look.
2. Shamrock calling Hot 97 channel 107. Nice one.
3. A tie between Nore’s facial expressions and Jus Rhyme wiping out on his bike.