The White Rapper Show Episode 5-
The Curse of Sullee
Bushwick Bill In A Cage
At night I cant sleep, I toss and turn
Candle sticks in the dark, visions of white rappers being burned
Ok, so it isn’t Bushwick Bill’s verse, but you get the picture. Episode 5 was a very special episode of The White Rapper Show. Why, you ask? Well, usually on the White Rapper Show, only one corny ass rapper gets eliminated. But on episode 5, we get a two for one special thanks to good ol MC Serch. More on that later.
The beginning of the episode began with Sullee sounding like recent elimination victim, G Child. Our friend who runs around all day with Boston on the shoulders was having a case of the blues, and went on about how stressful the situation is. As Denzel said so eloquently to Ethan Hawke- “Man up!” Would Sullee’s PMS be foreshadowing of what was to come? Hmmmmm.
For some reason Serch brought Marc Ecko in to critique the rappers’ style. He stated that they had none and was out. White rappers meet a white designer. I really wish someone would have pointed out that all he did was put a fucking rhino on a t shirt. Does anyone even wear that shit anymore? The groups were split up evenly- Persia, Shamrock and Jus Rhyme comprised a team and John Brown, Jon Boy, and Sullee made up the other.
Serch sent the groups out to Queens with $300 to spend so they could outfit themselves for a fashion show. Once again, these dummies really believed that they are going to be in a fashion show. Hello, anyone home? Don’t you get it yet? Every fucking competition is a joke. Jon Boy was apparently smoking PCP and passed it to another shopper, who suddenly felt he was in the presence of a celebrity. Jon Boy played along, because he was shermed out, and signed the dude’s shoebox. When asked if he was going to come around in the future, he made it very clear that his schedule is filled to the brim with writing wack rhymes, looking like Smeagol, sounding like Eminem, and jerking off.
Once outside, Jon Boy decided to start a one man cipher. Usually, Jon Boy’s sexcapades are solo sessions, so this was nothing new to him. John Brown and Sullee stood safely to the side as they watched the group of onlookers laugh at Smeagol. They were in a position where they could easily sprint back to their van in case the group decided to lench him. After the group returned to the house, Persia began cooking up a meal that the group mistakingly thought was for everyone. Ha ha, the joke is on you. She was even referred to as the “den mom.”
In what could be the biggest WTF moment yet in The White Rapper Show, the two groups participated in a fashion show. Who appears to help out in the judging? Kwame!
Yes, polka dot Kwame who was verbally spanked by Biggie on “Unbelievable.” How Kwame, who looked like he was still rocking the same shit he had on 15 years ago, got to judge a fashion show involving dogs is beyond me. The irony almost spilled out of the TV set and on to my living room floor. Somehow, Persia won the competition. Serch’s logic was that she resembled the dog she was walking. No, I am not kidding. They had matching pumps and everything. Couldn’t even tell the difference.
As soon as the competition ended, Sullee’s bitching and moaning began. And kept going, and going, and going. Sullee is like the Energizer bunny of whining. Maybe it is because he loses every competition he gets in. Once they return to the house, Sullee learned that there are two parts to the competition and he is not on the chopping block just yet. Serch decided to give him another chance to lose. The groups got to choose from various props, all of which were pretty fucking stupid and cliche. You had busted ass video hoes, old grandmothers (because old people+hip-hop=funny), money, and a smoke machine.
The last prop to be revealed was brought out in a cage covered by a red curtain. The special prop went to Persia’s team because of her “Doggystyle,” and turned out to be none other than Bushwick Bill. Recently released from a mental institution, it was obvious that Bill had no clue where the fuck he was at and immediately asked Serch to shoot him in the other eye. Serch looked slightly nervous and told Bill that he was going to help Persia’s team out. I can only imagine how they pitched the concept to Bill- Ok, so you are going to be in a cage, right? Like a wild animal! Then, you will come out of the cage and be used as a prop by white people. Basically, whatever they want you to do, you do. Got it? Good.
Bill, you scare the shit out of me.
Persia’s team worked very smoothly, even though they had to deal with Jus Rhyme and his epic mission to defeat white supremacy. Jus Rhyme is so bad he makes tolerant, loving people want to throw on a white sheet and party with David Duke. Bushwick Bill wanted to do a Horrorcore rap and go with a Gravediggaz style, but Jus Rhyme explained that he wants to party his way to social justice, not murder his way there. What a pussy! Bushwick Bill looked like he was having a good time, which made me smile because you gotta wonder how long he has to live.
Sullee’s team chemistry was more fucked up than Shamrock’s nose. These guys bickered like some old ladies at bingo. John Brown explained that he repeats a hook numerous times so that he can “brainwash” the listener. I have another word for it. Sullee wanted to rock a Wu-Tang style track and just spit verses. He became irritated in the booth as he tried to rock over the brilliantly titled “She’s A Stunna,” and actually flipped Jon Boy the bird. Jon Boy was extremely understanding and made excuses for Sullee, when we all know he is simply soft and afraid to stand up for himself.
When it came time to watch the videos, Serch brought in Little X, who looked like was thinking of 1,000,00 places he would rather be. First up was Sullee’s team who revealed a trainwreck that consisted of busted video hoes, John Brown rolling weed, and the group making it rain with fake money. The production values resembled BET Uncut and I had flashbacks of that Murs video with Shock G. Not a good look. Persia’s team had a corny video, but it knew it was corny. And they had Bushwick Bill! Persia’s team is declared the winner because they knew their shit was goofy, while John Brown and Jon Boy still believed their shit was hot.
Persia chose the real car as her video prop so she could hit up White Castle after the shoot.
Serch went off on the “Stunna” group for not being positive and coming off like clowns. He instructed them to go to the Ice Chamber and write verses detailing their partners’ shortcomings. Immediately, Sullee goes on a crazy rant about not being a snitch. It seems as if he was having flashbacks to the time he had to rat out his boyfriend for stealing condoms from the local pharmacy. John Brown ain’t havin’ none of that quittin’ shit and got to writin’ his verse dissin’ his team.
At elimination, John Brown went at his teammates and actually did what he was asked. Sullee bitched out, kicked off his shoes, and stated he is not going to be a snitch. Serch informed Sullee’s retahded ass that there are cameras all around, and that snitching refers to ratting out people involved in illegal activity. Sorta like when Sammy The Bull snitched on Gotti. Dissing Jon Boy and John Brown
equals snitching. Has this fucking idiot ever battled in his life? Serch asked him if he was quitting again, and was clearly attempting to give Sullee an out, which he was too dumb to take. Serch informed him he had to leave. Jon Boy stepped up and kicked a similar verse, taking the high road and trying to avoid saying negative things about his team. Serch sent his silly ass home too, so now he has plenty of time to go back to that mall and sign autographs. On his way out, Jon Boy stated that The White Rapper Show had brought him closer to the Lord. Yikes.
Three Funniest Things About Episode 5
1. Bushwick Bill. You are one funny cat, and I don’t even have to explain why.
2. Sullee’s accent. Listening to Sullee makes me realize what Mayor Quimby from the Simpsons would sound like if he started rapping.
3. Shamrock’s nose. Did he get attacked by a pitbull?