Archive for February, 2007

Foxy Brown Exposed

February 28, 2007

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The Ill Na Na is at it again. Foxy Brown+ a beauty or nail salon=total disaster. She recently hit up a church in Brooklyn so she could tell her tale of police brutality to the people. If you listen to Foxy tell it, she got dragged out of a bathroom and abused by the police because she is a young black woman. Unbelievably, it appears that Foxy was the only young black woman to be pulled out of a restroom half-naked on the day in question.

“I was exposed from the waist down on the toilet,” she said Monday at Brown Memorial Baptist Church in the Clinton Hill neighborhood.

Brown said she was only going to the bathroom, but the store owner refused to let her finish and then dragged her out, still undressed. Store owner Hayssam Ghoneim said he asked Brown to leave the restroom because he was closing up shop. But he said she spat on him, and that a surveillance video shows that the rapper left the restroom door open the entire time.

What is it about these nail and beauty salons that transforms Foxy Brown into Bill Romanowski?

Are these one size fits all?
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It seems that Foxy is under the impression that part of being a young black women is spitting on beauty shop workers and using the restroom with the door open. Do they have barns in Brooklyn?

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Foxy reminds me of that deaf-mute chick in Babel. You know, the Asian girl who was sexually acting out cause no dudes would hit that ish. Perhaps Foxy was neglected during the time she lost her hearing and is exposing herself in public as a way to deal with her pain. Or she could just be one crazy bitch who can’t control her temper.

I am not a fan of violence, or violence against women for that matter, but I do believe Foxy Brown needs the treatment that Sarah Silverman got in The Way Of The Gun. Perhaps if someone “fuckstarted her head,” which resulted in her losing several teeth and being permanently scarred she would stop running around hawking loogies and spreading whatever form of Hepatitis she may have.

The White Rapper Show Season Finale

February 26, 2007

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The White Rapper Show Season Finale is almost upon us. My money is on Shamrock….

The White Rapper Show Season Finale (click the links below to listen to Shamrock & John Brown’s theme songs)

Shamrock Bites Goodie Mob All The Way To Victory
or
The Fall of John Brown

Well, I was right. Shamrock took the title. Let me rewind a bit.

Shamrock and John Brown began the episode discussing who they are missing. JB missed nobody because he is just that cold and Sham stated that Sullee was like his little brother. Uhhh, ok. The two then moved on to the topic of Jus Rhyme. The verdict- Jus Rhyme is wack. No shit, Sherlock.

John Brown gave some good one liners throughout the episode, but it is fairly obvious that Ego Trip had a hard time filling an hour with the material at hand. The crew got haircuts and discussed how they were feeling with a barber. Why do I want to watch this again? Boring. JB stated that Shamrock was a glossy eyed MC and was going to get raped by the industry. I have yet to hear any actual discussion by John Brown about how he is prepared to handle the music industry and avoid being raped.

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Serch then introduced Tango & Cash to Fat Joe. While looking at the screen I noticed that Fat Joe and MC Serch were about the same size. New super duo? Slow metabolism is a motherfucker,yo. Somebody hook these guys up before they die of a heart attack. RIP, Pun. Fat Joe explained to the glossy eyed MC’s what MC meant and gave them some motivation for their next obstacle- Rucker.

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As the group approached Rucker park for a halftime performance I kept looking to see if I could catch Jim Jones getting his ass kicked or Cam running away, but no dice. A whole bunch of shit went wrong for Shamrock- his mic died and his grill fell out. Talk about some busted shit. John Brown shook like a fucking leaf and could have possibly defecated on himself. Hallelujah, holla back. I swore that I saw Treach in a wig up in the stands doing that move from Naughty By Nature’s old videos. You know, that shit where he swung his arms up and down like a robot. Anyway, JB & Sham didn’t totally bomb and the crowd obviously was the kind who thought Norbit should have won Best Picture.

After they returned to The White House, Serch brought out a friend of John Brown and a friend of Shamrock. It seems that VH1 wanted to bring a bunch more, but apparently these guys only have one friend. As soon as John Brown’s friend walked in the door his jaw dropped. Can you say Amaechi? This guy’s name was Blaise Delacroix III and if Tim Hardaway was in the building his life would have been over. Who knew there were so many flamboyant homosexuals in the burbs? JB basically dogged his friend gay lover and didn’t even properly introduce him to Serch. Funnnnny. Blaise told Serch he was a member of teh San Francisco Gay Crips. They don’t do drive-by shootings, they do walk-by fruitings. Hallelujah, holla back. Shamrock hugged his big, black friend and they made smiley faces together. Thank goodness they spared us the oil rubdown.
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Pacman Jones is an Indian giver

February 23, 2007

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Pacman Jones, the fucking nutcase from the Tennessee Titans who catches more cases than Tupac in his prime decided to make it rain at Minx’s gentleman’s club on Monday. He made it rain like Katrina, but apparently it was only for “visual effect.” After Pacman threw about $81,000 up on the stage at the strippers, the promoter bagged up the money and walked out the front door.

“Jones became irate about the loss of his money, and the fact that girls were in a frenzy, picking up the money at their feet,” the warrant says.

That is when the shooting started. Who shot shit up is still in question. Maybe one of Pacman’s weed carriers? Things that make you go hmmmmmm. Who knew that Pacman had a look, but don’t touch policy when it came to his money? It was simply a display, not a giveway! A couple security guards and a lady caught bullets, the police got the 81 grand, and Pacman Jones looks like a fucking cheapskate. If you are going to throw money, common sense would make you believe that you ain’t getting it back. Money for strippers is like motherfuckin’ ants to an anteater- that shit is getting sucked up quickfast. Pacman Jones makes it rain on dem hoes- then he asks for it back!

Today’s forecast- There will be some brief showers at Minx’s gentleman’s club, which will clear up shortly after Pacman Jones realizes he doesn’t make enough money to be giving away $81,000.

Steady Bootleggin’ 07

February 22, 2007

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A kick in the ass from a leg and a boot
Constitute the right to shoot one who steals my loot
Bang bang like it ain’t no thing to the bastard
Who sold my shit before it’s mastered
Now how the fuck did you get a copy?
It’s an inside job or the security is sloppy
But nevertheless I’m doin my best to solve this mess
I find out, I blow a hole in his chest- Lord Jamar of Brand Nubian, “Steady Bootleggin'”

With once mighty hip-hop artists selling fewer and fewer albums, I am waiting for a disgruntled hip-hop artist to do a remake or re-imagining of the classic track “Steady Bootleggin'” from Brand Nubian’s In God We Trust. Bring it up to speed and address the MP3 community. After watching Sean Price do the table flip, it would be nice to see someone run up in some houses and crash some computers. Just skip mine, please. Will hip-hop go the way of the movie industry and attempt to show the everyman who is hurt by downloading? You know the guy who holds the mic, the set designer,etc. Picture a commercial with a weed carrier who is pleading for you to purchase his owner’s new album rather than download because the lifestyle he has grown accustomed to has been negatively affected.

Cats most likely to record Steady Downloadin’

The Roots- Their version would most likely focus on the fact that numerous less talented artists outsell them. Would ignore the fact they should not be on Def Jam.

Lupe Fiasco- Bootleggin’ and downloadin’ has Lupe so shook he wants to record his album in 3 days. Will walk around with the masters handcuffed to his arm like those cats in “Ronin.”

Ras Kass- Will he even drop another album? I can’t take any more wack mixtapes. Word on the street is he is training with Carl Weathers to come back at Game.

Sean Price- Prob a similar stance to Lord Jamar. Already dropped “The Brokest Rapper You Know,” which did a great job of making anyone who downloads his album feel real, real guilty.

Best Movie Poster Ever? Black Snake Moan

February 21, 2007

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The best movie poster I have ever seen could be for Craig Brewer’s new film “Black Snake Moan,” or as I call it- “White Trash On A Chain.” You know people are just lovin’ it. When I went to the theatre recently I noticed that the poster displayed above that I had initially seen depicting Samuel L. Jackson standing above a chained Christina Ricci was now simply Sam standing with a chain. Who wants to bet a bunch of old white people lost their fucking minds and decided to complain? What I would do to have a Polaroid or recording of the film execs’ reaction when they saw what Brewer proposed.

Perhaps the conversation went like this-

Brewer- So there is the poster. I am really proud of it, it has that comic book vibe.

Rich White Film Guy- Ummmm, ummmmmmmmmmmmmmmm. How can I say this?

Brewer- Say what?

RWFG- Well, the thing is that you have Samuel L. Jackson standing above Christina Ricci in chains. And she doesn’t look that upset about being chained up. People could get the wrong idea…

Brewer- You do know that the movie does involve him chaining her up, right? He attempts to cure her of her wickedness. You have seen the trailer?

RWFG- No, I never read the script or saw the trailer. Heard the name Samuel L. Jackson, and remembered classics like The Negotiator and Deep Blue Sea. You know the one where is yelling and then gets eaten? Classic. The stuff you did with the Terrance Howard was great. He pimped that white girl, but didn’t chain her up. Couldn’t you just have Sam standing next to her? How about we just have her on her own in chains?

Brewer-What?

RWFG- Better yet, why don’t you put Justin Timberlake on the poster? Maybe in a pose like he is going to sing, a profile or something. It’s only 2007 and I don’t think that people are ready to see Sam chaining up Christina Ricci when they take the kids to see Harry Potter.

Despite Peter Traver’s bitchass hating on the film- “Offensive on multiple levels — if only the plot had any levels at all — Black Snake Moan leaves no Tobacco Road cliche unsmoked,” I have already set aside twenty dollars so I can enjoy a cherry Icee and popcorn as I watch Sam try to cure the white trash of her wickedness. I think that “offensive on multiple levels” is whitespeak for “I don’t like to see a black man having any sort of control over a white woman, even if her character in the film is severely fucked up.”  I hope that Sam castrates Justin Timberlake in the film.

Below are the other two versions of the poster:

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Tommy Morrison Has Discovered The Cure To AIDS!

February 20, 2007

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Your favorite white boxer, Tommy Morrison, is going to make his van glorious return to the ring Thursday. I did read that he sustained a hand injury so the exact date may now be in question, but he shall fight again! The great white hope who you most likely remember from starring in Rocky V (the Rocky that isn’t even carried Best Buy) was banned from boxing in 96 after testing positive for HIV. Tommy liked to bang lots of women and paid the price. He also liked to use steroids, which is the main reason he was able to hang with the heavyweights. Besides various legal troubles little has been heard from the grandnephew of John Wayne.

Read the ESPN article here and find out how Tommy Morrison scared HIV so bad it left his body.

Ray Mercer knocks Tommy Gun the FUCK OUT!

Prodigy Finds His Heart?

February 20, 2007

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Despite the fact he rhymes about guns he doesn’t own, things he hasn’t done and never will do (stabbing people with their own nose bone); got pw3nd by Keith Murray, and had his chain snatched by Rose from The Golden Girls, his new ish 7th Heaven is fucking ridiculous. It seems as if Prodigy found his lyrical heart in the drawer where he keeps his My Little Pony collection, because he actually delivered some “Ladder 49” fire that makes you remember when he was in the running for KONY and not Dancing With The Stars. The track sounds like some Miami Vice meets John Carpenter shit. Look at it this way- Arnold and Sly never really lived that shit, but you still love their movies, right?