Why does Jon Boy make me think of Smeagol from Lord Of The Rings?
Another week of The White Rapper Show, another week of wack rhymes and entertaining reality TV. This episode featured plenty of whining from Jus Rhyme, Just Blaze, and the legendary Kool Keith. The ep began with the group being split into two teams. One team consisted of 100 Proof, Shamrock, and Sullee with the other consisting of Persia, Jus Rhyme, and Jon Boy. When John Brown was given the option to choose what team he joined he opted to go with Persia’s team because we all know he is a submissive kind of guy who enjoys being dominated.
The groups learned that they would be going into the studio with Just Blaze, and they all lost their fucking minds. I think you could tell them they were going in the studio with legendary producer Phil Spector and they would do three blackflips while explaining how he is what makes hip-hop hot. Serch let them know that their goal would be to make a club banger. We all know that Serch knows a lot about club bangers. For some reason I can’t picture Serch stepping in a club in the last decade. However, he will get to judge the groups at the end of the episode despite the fact his dancing has even been mocked by white people.
After the groups split up to write their bangers, the fun began. When John Brown came up with the concept of a song about not being allowed to smoke in the club, Mother Theresa aka Jus Rhyme flipped his lid. Excuse me, but isn’t Jus Rhyme wearing a T Shirt that says AR-15? Apparently, smoking is evil but wearing a T shirt that references a fucking assault rifle is all good and dandy. I started to hope that John Brown would drop some LSD into whatever Jus Rhyme was drinking so he would fucking loosen up a bit. Mr. Goody Two Shoes wanted to rhyme about smoking MC’s and not the ganja. The group openly mocked him and ignored any suggestions he put forth, which was extremely entertaining.
Group two had a much better dynamic and wrote a song about getting women. Does anyone believe that women are actually sleeping with 100 Proof? Shamrock stated that the group gets along so well because they love to share stories about their escapades with women. I can picture it now:
Sullee: Would you please help him redeem himself by telling a real sex story?
100 Proof: I don’t… You know what, I’m a gentleman and I don’t… I don’t kiss and tell.
Sullee: Fuck it, I raise you. Nastiest shit you’ve ever done. I’m talking about nasty.
100 Proof: Wow.So many stories are running through my head right now. I dated this girl…for a while, and she was
really a nasty freak. She just loved to get down with sex all the time.She was like, any time of day, she was like:”Yeah, let’s go.I’m so nasty.”And I’d be nailing her.
Shamrock: Oh, shit.
100 Proof: She’d be like: “Oh, you’re nailing me. Cool.”
Shamrock: She talk dirty to you?
100 Proof: She loved to dirty-talk. Totally into it.She’d be like:”Yeah, let’s screw, let’s…I wanna fuck.”God, it was so dirty. She’d be like, “Me so horny,me love you long time.”
Sullee: So what were the titties like?
Shamrock: Yeah, describe her…
100 Proof: Yeah, she had great tits.
Sullee: No, I mean, like, detailed.Did she have, like,you know…them little pink teeny nipples? Or like the long National Geographic nipples?
Shamrock: You have like the bumpy Braille nipples, the Stevie Wonders.
100 Proof: Yeah, they were nice.You know, when you, like,you grab a woman’s breast and it’s…and you feel it and…it feels like a bag of sand when you’re touching it.
Shamrock & Sullee: Bag of sand?
Back to reality. The groups entered the studio with Just Blaze, who may the greatest liar on the face of the planet. Pray to God that Just Blaze never murders you and your family because he will get away with it. If he ever retires from producing he has a future in the CIA. He may have already been recruited, Chuck Barris style. He actually told the two groups when they are finished that they did justice to the beats. Is that why he almost tells Persia’s team he has to wash his hair when they ask him to do a shout out on the track?
Just Blaze gave some nice advice to Sullee- don’t read off the paper, squirmed when Shamrock tried to sing, and pretty much wasn’t even in the studio with the white rappers. The white rappers had white engineers who helped them through their task. Funniest moment of the studio sessions had to be 100 Proof rapping on his team’s track, “One Night Stand.” 100 Proof came across like a fucking drunk rapist and actually believes that telling a girl that he wants to “swap bodily fluids” is something people want to hear in the club. Ummm, no. Just Blaze made crazy eyes at 100 Proof and explained that bitches don’t want you to go Incredible Hulk on them and be intimidating. Well, some bitches. Just not the ones that will be listening to a Just Blaze track.
Persia seems to have warmed up to John Brown and may secretly be banging him when the cameras are off. She appeared to have a glow about her when talking about the King Of The Burbs. Jus Rhymes basically whined like a little girl throughout the whole session and got dissed by everyone in the room. At one point he actually asked if he was too nice, and insinuated that he would get violent. Lyrically violent! Ooooo, scary. I kept thinking of the skit on Channel Live’s first album where he talks about sexing mentally and the girl straight up tells him to stop half assing and just say he wants to fuck her.This is essentially Jus Rhyme. He will do everything to you mentally and lyrically. Drink you under the table lyrically, smoke you lyrically, bag your groceries lyrically and fuck your mother lyrically. Dangerous cat.
The crew got to meet a white group of has beens, La Koka Nostra. Fairly boring segment and not even worth writing about. Everlast looked like he packed on 200 pounds. Sullee gazed upon him and realized how bloated he will be in fifteen years. Jus Rhyme explained to Ill Bill that he wants to be political and still have people dance. Unfortunately, Ill Bill did not answer truthfully. He gave him some half ass answer, but really wanted to ask Jus Rhyme if he masturbates to Talib Kweli.
Later the group went to the strip club where they brought their wack records. Kool Keith emerged with two strippers who will decide which track is better by the way that they dance. Are you serious? Each group thought their track was the best and the other track was wack. Persia and John Brown dissed the other team’s track as being a mixtape jam despite the fact I caught Persia nodding her head at times. Was she just thinking about the fast food coupons she clipped in the weekend paper? Both jams are wack and the teams gave way too much money to the average strippers. For a minute I wanted them to cut to the exterior of the club so we could get a reveal that it was actually a funeral home.Kool Keith and MC Serch discussed the pros and cons of each team and agreed that it was a difficult decision. Persia’s team was declared the winner and Sullee is a sore loser once again.
The teams returned to the house as one group prepared for elimination. 100 Proof, Sullee and Shamrock had to put panties on their head that contain the topic they have to write about. 100 Proof got “broads,” Sullee got “booze,” and Shamrock got “ballers.” Shamrock spit a rhyme about food. I heard peanut butter, carrots, lettuce, jelly and some other shit in there. I guess rappers down south like buffet metaphors. He had minimal stuttering throughout his verse and is much better at memorizing his lines, which keeps him safe. Sullee kicked a boo hoo rhyme about his mom being a cripple and having bedsores and using alcohol to self medicate. Woulda been ok if he didn’t sound like Stuttering John throughout his rhyme. Last up was 100 Proof who kicked a simplistic rhyme about women being scared of him because his way of introducing himself is ripping down their pants and anally raping them. Ok, so it was a bit more gentle than that, but not by much.
Serch let Shamrock know he was safe, told Sullee he has decent rhymes but is not an MC, and informed 100 Proof that he is the essence of “do you.” He then followed that up by informing him he is “not now.” Oh, the irony. Do I really need to go any further? 100 Proof is eliminated but takes it well. He stated that he will continue to destroy his liver like Cage in Leaving Las Vegas while spitting wack rhymes about swapping bodily fluids.
3 Funniest Things About Episode 4:
1. Jus Rhyme refusing a lap dance because he has a girlriend despite the urging of Kool Keith. Someone drug Jus Rhyme and corrupt him. Please!
2. Just Blaze’s facial expressions throughout the studio sessions.
3. Everlast. Motherfucker looks like he is retaining the Atlantic Ocean. Dayammmmmmm.