Jus Rhyme contemplates ways to
describe the curse that is his white skin
Jus Rhymes hearts black people
Episode three of The White Rapper Show was a hit or miss effort with far more strikes than home runs.
What did episode 3 contain?
- Juel Santana? Check
- Black stereotypes? Check
- Brand Nubian? Check
- MC Serch’s white goatee? Check
- Barbershop shit talkin’? Check
- The elimination of G Child? Check
- John Brown attempting to explain Ghetto Revival? Check
While none of my predictions regarding Lord Jamar’s reaction to John Brown and his ghetto revival came true, I was not that far off. I think that LJ at least covered the point spread. Anyone think that the producers of The White Rapper Show informed Lord Jamar about the whole ghetto revival thing before his appearance? Perhaps they thought it might get just a small reaction from Jamar? More on that later. While Sadat was kind enough to drop jewels on the crew of white rappers regarding breath control, Jamar looked on in disgust at the group he knew would never come close to utilizing the knowledge Sadat bestowed upon them. Disgust may not be a strong enough term to fully depict the look on his face. The man looked like someone shit in his Wheaties as he gazed upon this sad excuse for the white race. “At least some white people have it worse than us,” Jamar thought.
Everyone was clearly intimidated by Jamar’s approach to the group, and G Child had to quickly change her diaper after being asked if she wanted to rap. “Yes, sir,” G Child replied. I really hope that Lord Jamar uses the clip of a scared white girl calling him “sir” on his next solo record. G Child’s response consisted of some stuttering that she is old school and not about people grabbing their crotch and sagging their pants. What this had to do with anything is beyond me. Looking more shook than Mobb Deep with 100 grand worth of jewelry on, young G Child was apparently too scared to tell the God she was a Vanilla Ice groupie. MC Serch played the role of Captain Save-a-Ho and stepped in to save his white crew. Mr. Gasface informed Lord Jamar that he “cherry picked” the group and would not have chosen them if he did not have a fat contract with VH1. His integrity is on the line, silly.
Next in Jamar’s sights was John Brown. Jamar asked what the whole ghetto revival thing was about, which led to a hilarious exchange that left Persia happier than a pig in shit. Hmm… that was kinda like defining a word by using the word in a sentence. I need to work on that. Anyway, I digress. The editors have established that they love to cut from John Brown feeling uncomfortable to Persia looking thrilled.
John Brown has a future in politics, as he never really answered the question regarding Ghetto Revival. John Brown stood firm in his belief that Ghetto Revival is a company and he got some people. At least he was able to recognize that companies do, in fact, have people. Lord Jamar replied, “well, no shit Sherlock.” John Brown remembered to use his deer in headlights defense and said, “ask me again, and I’ll tell you the same.” Jamar then inquired as to why in the fuck would JB want to revive the ghetto when its main ingredients are poverty and misery. Is he about bringing back pissing in project hallways and smokin’ crack? King of the Burbs insisted that it was about economic revival and lifting people up. At that precise moment, millions of uninsured and poverty stricken ghetto inhabitants lept to their feet and cried tears of joy as they falsely believed the abolitionist John Brown had been resurrected from the dead and was going to lift them up out of their living hell. After being informed John Brown was still dead and it was actually the King of the Burbs who intended to save them, they returned to being hopeless.
After getting jewels and dirty looks dropped on them, the group actually thought they were getting studio time with Prince Paul. Hah, yeah right. Apparently this crew is dumber than they look. Like VH1 is going to play it straight. The group was rounded up and brought into a studio where they engaged in a Family Feud style game that involved identifying black stereotypes, which blacks believe. Overall, this segment turned out to be very bland and boring. The saving moment was when Jus Rhyme and Shamrock were asked to give the most popular words to identify OJ. Jus Rhyme, the ethnic studies PHD student that he is replied, “innocent,” which drew plenty of laughs from the audience. Shit, Jus Rhyme. These ass kissing antics of yours are really starting to get on my nerves. Wait, was that Jon Boy and not Jus Rhyme? All white people look the same to me now. Instead of giving the easy answer of “juice,” Shamrock uttered “nutritious.” Prince Paul did a double take as it occurred to him that at one point in his career he was working with De La Soul. Poor Prince Paul.
losers winners of the competition got to hang with Juelz Santana while the losers got to wash the winners’ laundry. Sullee got all fussy and stated the competition wasn’t about skills anymore. It seems as Ego Trip recognized none of the rappers had any skills after editing episode 1 and decided to make it an entertaining joke. Sullee no likey. The black stereotypes offended Everlast because he lost and now had to wash the nocturnal emissions out of John Brown’s drawers. JB prepared cardboard business cards for Santana as the rest of the house laughed at his idiocy. The Juelz segment was also fairly disappointing as it simply involved Santana giving some advice he read from dummy cards- “My teacher told me I was never going to amount to anything. Sure, I failed all my classes and had a GPA of .4, but she was wrong! I tried hard at rapping, and I rap! You gots to go hard!” Geez, thanks Tony Robbins! You need to take that motivational speech on the road. Next thing you know Juelz will be writing a 9 step program like Greg Kinnear in Little Miss Sunshine. Oh, JB did pass off his cardboard biz card.
Later, the group went to get haircuts. Sullee got taunted by some guy who was supposedly a barbershop regular. This most likely means he is currently unemployed as he has enough time during the day to sit around and critique white rappers. Sullee wound up kicking a rhyme that ended with another shitty reference to Boston being on his shoulders, which resulted in a lukewarm response. Big shocker. Persia spit a rhyme about being hard as hell cause she won the Far Rockaway competitive eating competition in 2002 with a total of 43 franks. Jus Rhyme sounded like a wacker version of Talib Kweli, but white. Apparently, Jus Rhyme’s goal in life is to be an honorary Black Panther member. This drove the barbershop crazy, as they are tired of blacks rhyming about black power and feel that it is time for a nerdy white boy to step up and get a turn.
The final battle of episode 3 had Sullee, 100 Proof, Shamrock, and G Child picking slices of bread from a Whitebread loaf with designated topics. Oh, Ego Trip. Your wit and clever gimmicks are unrivaled. G Child picked the White Trash slice, which couldn’t have worked better unless it were planned. Hmmmm? Everyone kicked wack rhymes, Sullee ended up going blank, and G Child came off like a Gremlin with poor taste. Nobody was shocked as G Child returned to Allentown to fufill her destiny that was set in motion when she retrieved the “white trash” slice from the loaf. Overall, the White Rapper Show needs to thank Lord Jamar for making episode 3 worth it.
3 Funniest Things About Episode 3
- That look on Lord Jamar’s face. Priceless.
- Shamrock stating that “blacks are never on time” is a stereotype that blacks believe and that another word to describe OJ Simpson is “nutritious.”
- John Brown’s cardboard business cards. Call me crazy, but I can’t help but root for the little retarded white rapper that could.