Archive for January, 2007

The White Rapper Show Episode 4 Recap

January 30, 2007

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Why does Jon Boy make me think of Smeagol from Lord Of The Rings?

Another week of The White Rapper Show, another week of wack rhymes and entertaining reality TV. This episode featured plenty of whining from Jus Rhyme, Just Blaze, and the legendary Kool Keith. The ep began with the group being split into two teams. One team consisted of 100 Proof, Shamrock, and Sullee with the other consisting of Persia, Jus Rhyme, and Jon Boy. When John Brown was given the option to choose what team he joined he opted to go with Persia’s team because we all know he is a submissive kind of guy who enjoys being dominated.

The groups learned that they would be going into the studio with Just Blaze, and they all lost their fucking minds. I think you could tell them they were going in the studio with legendary producer Phil Spector and they would do three blackflips while explaining how he is what makes hip-hop hot. Serch let them know that their goal would be to make a club banger. We all know that Serch knows a lot about club bangers. For some reason I can’t picture Serch stepping in a club in the last decade. However, he will get to judge the groups at the end of the episode despite the fact his dancing has even been mocked by white people.

After the groups split up to write their bangers, the fun began. When John Brown came up with the concept of a song about not being allowed to smoke in the club, Mother Theresa aka Jus Rhyme flipped his lid. Excuse me, but isn’t Jus Rhyme wearing a T Shirt that says AR-15? Apparently, smoking is evil but wearing a T shirt that references a fucking assault rifle is all good and dandy. I started to hope that John Brown would drop some LSD into whatever Jus Rhyme was drinking so he would fucking loosen up a bit. Mr. Goody Two Shoes wanted to rhyme about smoking MC’s and not the ganja. The group openly mocked him and ignored any suggestions he put forth, which was extremely entertaining.

Group two had a much better dynamic and wrote a song about getting women. Does anyone believe that women are actually sleeping with 100 Proof? Shamrock stated that the group gets along so well because they love to share stories about their escapades with women. I can picture it now:

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Deprogram

January 25, 2007

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Not too long ago I was unfortunate enough to be exposed to the garbino that is Mos Def’s Tru Magic. Where did Mos go wrong? He started off shinin’ like Danny Torrance with his guest appearances on “Big Brother Beat” and “The Love Song,” carried Talib Kweli on The Black Star album and caught total wreck on Black On Both Sides. Fast forward five years and you could still see the saliva hanging off the jowls of Hooch-like backpackers anticipating Mos’ sophomore album The New Danger. When The New Danger was released you could hear a needle drop. However, the silence gave way to a backlash, and soon many were questioning Mos’ unsatisfying new direction. I was intrigued by the idea of raps about sports icons, especially one with a story as interesting as Jack Johnson, but the album was a hot ass mess that lacked real direction.

After finishing the even bigger mess of an album True Magic I realized that drastic times call for drastic measures. Forget the excuses being thrown out there on the web by Mos’ groupies that it was only released so he could get out of his contract. What kind of drastic measures would get Mos’ music career back on track? Let’s be real, no hip hop fans are really interested in seeing Black Dante on the big screen with Bruce Willis or Marky Mark. Standing up to Billy Bob Thornton in Monster’s Ball and getting gully with Kevin Bacon in The Woodsman was good and all, but the shit has gone too far. Is it the acting that is destroying Mos’ rhyming proficiency? Is it women? Everyone has heard about Mos’ court battles and recent marriage to a video chick. Mos’ kids didn’t earn that Italian Job money! Mos did! Everyone has witnessed what marriage has done to many successful athletes- they lose their hunger and are shells of their former selves. Has Mos fallen victim to a succubus?

Then it hit me. Deprogram. Not quite like the Channel Live song “Reprogram,” although it may not be a bad idea to play it during Mos’ deprogramming. I recalled the most recent season of Nip/Tuck, where Sean and Christian attempted to deprogram Matt, who had fallen victim to the succubus Kimber and very neatly dressed Scientologists. Although their attempt to kidnap his crazy ass and throw him in the back of their van was unsuccessful, it was a brilliant idea. When looking a little deeper into the deprogramming process, it seems as if there is no real standard and different individuals have various techniques and methods.

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The White Rapper Show Episode 3 Recap

January 23, 2007

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Jus Rhyme contemplates ways to
describe the curse that is his white skin

or
Jus Rhymes hearts black people

Episode three of The White Rapper Show was a hit or miss effort with far more strikes than home runs.

What did episode 3 contain?

  • Juel Santana? Check
  • Black stereotypes? Check
  • Brand Nubian? Check
  • MC Serch’s white goatee? Check
  • Barbershop shit talkin’? Check
  • The elimination of G Child? Check
  • John Brown attempting to explain Ghetto Revival? Check

While none of my predictions regarding Lord Jamar’s reaction to John Brown and his ghetto revival came true, I was not that far off. I think that LJ at least covered the point spread. Anyone think that the producers of The White Rapper Show informed Lord Jamar about the whole ghetto revival thing before his appearance? Perhaps they thought it might get just a small reaction from Jamar? More on that later. While Sadat was kind enough to drop jewels on the crew of white rappers regarding breath control, Jamar looked on in disgust at the group he knew would never come close to utilizing the knowledge Sadat bestowed upon them. Disgust may not be a strong enough term to fully depict the look on his face. The man looked like someone shit in his Wheaties as he gazed upon this sad excuse for the white race. “At least some white people have it worse than us,” Jamar thought.

Everyone was clearly intimidated by Jamar’s approach to the group, and G Child had to quickly change her diaper after being asked if she wanted to rap. “Yes, sir,” G Child replied. I really hope that Lord Jamar uses the clip of a scared white girl calling him “sir” on his next solo record. G Child’s response consisted of some stuttering that she is old school and not about people grabbing their crotch and sagging their pants. What this had to do with anything is beyond me. Looking more shook than Mobb Deep with 100 grand worth of jewelry on, young G Child was apparently too scared to tell the God she was a Vanilla Ice groupie. MC Serch played the role of Captain Save-a-Ho and stepped in to save his white crew. Mr. Gasface informed Lord Jamar that he “cherry picked” the group and would not have chosen them if he did not have a fat contract with VH1. His integrity is on the line, silly.

Next in Jamar’s sights was John Brown. Jamar asked what the whole ghetto revival thing was about, which led to a hilarious exchange that left Persia happier than a pig in shit. Hmm… that was kinda like defining a word by using the word in a sentence. I need to work on that. Anyway, I digress. The editors have established that they love to cut from John Brown feeling uncomfortable to Persia looking thrilled.

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Runnin’ Down Crackers

January 23, 2007

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In honor of Lord Jamar and Sadat X’s upcoming appearance on The White Rapper Show tonight, I have been bumpin’
the classic “A Day In The Life” from Diamond D’s Stunts, Blunts, & Hip Hop. Sadat’s flow is sicker than Andrew Beckett on this joint.

Diamond D & Brand Nubian- A Day In The Life

Lord Jamar

Aw yeah, back to basics, kicking shit in Asics, it’s like this

It’s just a day in the life (of three black men)
Day one…

I wake up to the sun in the morning after justice hour
Refinement is in order so I bust this shower
Get dressed, but first my mind gets blessed
Not words, but best cess compressed in a philly
Silly of me, to think that I
Could ever have a morning where the phone didn’t ring, I am sir
A sweet young thing, once a romancer
I didn’t really fancy her, so build equality
I get a beep downstairs from Y.Z.O.
Knowledge in his head, beats pump the red Geo
Tracker, and in it, we get much blacker
Ride around town running down crackers
Last Sunday of the month so to Harlem we went
Not clubbing, the parliaments of Harriet Tubman
Peace to the Gods, peace to the earths
Peace to the seeds, peace to the birth
Of the nation of the 5%
That’s it, I tell the gent brothers to represent
We left the rally now we’re maxing uptown
8th Ave, 25th, 45th, and the Polo Grounds
And when it’s time to refuel
Lord Jamar jump in the car, say “Back to the Rule”
It’s like that y’all, you know it’s as sharp as a knife
It’s just a day in the life, it’s just a day in the life

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MF Grimm-American Hunger Album Review

January 18, 2007

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MF Grimm-American Hunger

I’m not as dangerous as I used to be
Which makes me more dangerous than I used to be
I’m focused
– MF Grimm, “Broken Glasses”

My favorite album of 2006, MF Grimm’s 3 disc effort American Hunger is yet another weapon in the arsenal of those who argue hip hop is alive and kicking. The first triple album in hip hop history, American Hunger contains more ambition in one track than most current releases are able to muster in fifteen. The album is a honest, yet experimental effort which is near impossible to digest in one sitting. Attempting to take in this 205 minute beast of a meal all at once would dull its impact and leave you engorged. Like The Magnetic Field’s indie classic 69 Love Songs, American Hunger feels too large to be contained by one form of media and it is easy to envision the material being presented on stage or the big screen. Word is that MF Grimm’s story is destined for graphic novel status in 2007. Despite having a story that is ripe for exploitation, MF Grimm does not pull the “I have been shot ____ times” card. Confined to a wheelchair due to the bullets that were meant to end his existence, Grimm can state that he has been there and done that. However, at no point does he use the authenticity of his rhymes as a substitute for skills.

Taught me how to control inner demons
Transform this Hell
Turn it into Heaven
-MF Grimm, “When Faith Is Lost”

American Hunger is split into three different meals- breakfast, lunch, and the last supper. These meals don’t segregate topics, but the last supper disc does contain more religious overtones and subject matter. Throughout the effort, Grimm directs the majority of his anger and frustration towards society’s choking hierarchical structure. While many tracks contain poisonous darts aimed at the American power structure, this venom does not spill over into the many love songs that appear throughout the album. “Brand New” is the “I Only Have Eyes For You” of hip hop, “When Faith Is Lost” utilizes horns that would make Sam or Marvin feel at home, “It’s No Secret” contains a soulful bounce and a sharp vocal sample, while “Crazy” rocks a modern R&B vibe that would fit perfectly on radio if not for that little thing called payola. These tracks come across as genuine love letters rather than the typical “get the ladies to buy the record” gimmick. Don’t get it twisted though, because Grimm does kick some truly heartless and wicked shit throughout the album.

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The White Rapper Show Episode 2 Recap

January 16, 2007

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John Brown– Nas recently presented this picture as exhibit A in the recent trial of Hip Hop Is Dead.

MC Serch has created a fucking train wreck, albeit an entertaining one. The end of the first episode of The White Rapper Show found Serch cursing out a young and fragile Dasit who simply wasn’t having it. Dasit replied that Pete Nice was his daddy, not MC Serch. This resulted in Serch looking confused, raising his voice and telling the Eminem clone to step off. Dasit ended up breaking into an impromptu cover of “Rat Bastard” and handing over his sneakers, which were tossed over a power line. This brings us to episode two of the show that Serch “put his integrity on the line” for, which may rank up there with Zebrahead as far as not-so-smart decisions go. Despite the lack of N Word chains being passed around and dildos being waved in king’s faces, episode two contained enough absurdity to entertain me for an hour.

The episode started with the group splitting up into teams of three and playing a trivia game. Short sound clips were played and whiteys had to hit the buzzer and guess the artist. It seems as if VH1 and Ego Trip recognize that they are dealing with a group of whiteys that started listening to rap in 1999 because they picked some songs that only a donkey or John Brown would get wrong. To John Brown’s credit, he was able to get a couple right. I hope editing had something to do with the group’s collective ignorance, because when Run DMC started playing there were clueless stares all around. Suddenly, I was transported to that time I visited my grandfather in the nursing home.

The last round found 100 Proof battling John Brown and Persia. It ended up that 100 Proof knew his Raekwon and Onyx (I think it was just cause they teamed up with BioHazard), John Brown couldn’t differentiate between KRS One and BDP, and Persia didn’t know how many calories were in the Texas Double Whopper she had at BK for brunch. After it wrapped up, Persia explained she was disappointed because she lost to a drunkard from Texas, which led to me leaning off my couch waiting for her to commit seppuku to restore her honor. No dice.

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Top 10 Hip Hop Albums of 2006

January 15, 2007

Below are my personal choices for the top 10 hip hop albums of the year. It will take till the end of 2007 to decide how I really feel about this list. Some albums age like a fine wine while others end up aging like a crystal meth addict, Spun style. There are a few albums that I left off which are deserving of honorable mentions- Sadat X, CL Smooth, and Camp Lo’s mixtape banger Fort Apache. Nas and Jay Z did little for me this year and you will not find them on my list. Full length reviews of my first two choices will follow this entry shortly.

10. Boot Camp Clik-The Last Stand

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9. Clipse-Hell Hath No Fury

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8. The Roots- Game Theory

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7. Jedi Mind Tricks-Servants In Heaven, Kings In Hell

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6. Mr. Lif-Mo Mega

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5. Murs & 9th Wonder-Murray’s Revenge

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4. Prince Po- Prettyblack

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